With Safety, Stability, and Emotional Security
When parents separate, children can feel confused, worried, frightened, or responsible for problems that are not theirs.
Separation itself does not automatically harm a child.
What causes the greatest harm is often:
- ongoing parental conflict
- being forced to take sides
- sudden loss of contact with one parent
- instability in home, school, or routines
- financial stress affecting the home
- exposure to arguments, hostility, or adult problems
- unsafe caregiving or safeguarding concerns
- emotional insecurity and uncertainty
Children need protection from conflict—not involvement in it.
What Official Evidence Says About Parental Conflict
The Department for Work and Pensions' Reducing Parental Conflict programme says that disagreement between parents can be a normal part of family life.
The concern is conflict that becomes frequent, intense and poorly resolved.
Government evidence identifies associations between harmful inter-parental conflict and increased risks of:
- mental-health and wellbeing difficulties
- behavioural problems
- social difficulties
- problems with school and learning
- poorer long-term outcomes
This is why reducing conflict after separation is not simply about making life easier for adults. It can be an important part of protecting children's wellbeing.
Parental Separation and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
Parental separation can count as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), especially when it disrupts a child’s sense of safety, stability, attachment, or emotional security.
ACEs are potentially traumatic childhood experiences that affect emotional wellbeing, trust, relationships, education, and long-term mental health.
Separation becomes more harmful when children experience:
- repeated conflict
- emotional neglect
- instability
- loss of safe attachment
- fear or unpredictability
- being used in adult disputes
- financial hardship and housing insecurity
- domestic abuse or safeguarding failures
The separation itself is not always the trauma.
The instability around it often is.
Important: An ACE Is Not a Diagnosis
Government public-health material includes parental separation or divorce following relationship breakdown among commonly recognised adverse childhood experiences.
However, this does not mean that every child whose parents separate is traumatised or will develop mental-health problems.
ACE frameworks are used to help understand exposure to childhood adversity and population-level risk. A child's actual experience depends on many factors, including relationships, safety, stability, support and resilience.
Protective, nurturing relationships can make a major difference.
GOV.UK – Children, Young People and Adverse Childhood ExperiencesA Simple Trauma-Informed Understanding
Children with separated parents may experience parental separation as an adverse childhood experience when it disrupts their sense of safety, stability, attachment, or emotional security.
The impact can be reduced when caregivers:
- maintain consistent routines
- minimise conflict
- reassure the child
- protect emotional wellbeing
- support safe, loving relationships with both parents where appropriate
That matters most.
What Children Need Most
Children need:
Routine
Predictable routines can help children understand what is happening and what comes next.
Emotional Reassurance
Children need reassurance that they remain loved and cared for.
Stability
Stable homes, education, friendships and important relationships can provide emotional security.
Safe Relationships
Children need safe, nurturing relationships with people they can trust.
- routine
- emotional reassurance
- honesty without adult burden
- stable homes
- school consistency
- safe relationships
- freedom from adult conflict
- permission to love both parents
- support from trusted adults
- clear reassurance that separation is not their fault
They should carry childhood.
What Both Parents Can Do
Even when relationships break down, parenting must remain focused on the child.
Both parents should aim to:
Keep Communication Respectful
Children should not hear blame, insults, or hostility.
Speak about the other parent with care.
Children see themselves in both parents.
Criticising the other parent often hurts the child too.
Cafcass Guidance
Cafcass encourages separated parents, where safe, to try to keep their feelings about each other separate from their approach to meeting their child's needs.
Cafcass says positive or even neutral communication between separated parents can help reduce conflict and reduce its impact on children.
Cafcass – Communicating During SeparationNever Use Children as Messengers
Do not ask children to:
- carry messages
- report on the other parent
- choose sides
- hold adult secrets
- manage emotional conflict
They are children.
Cafcass Specifically Warns Against This
Cafcass advises parents not to leave it to their child to pass on news and not to ask a child to communicate with their other parent on an adult's behalf.
Important information should be communicated adult-to-adult wherever it is safe to do so.
Cafcass – Communication After SeparationProtect Routine and Stability
Consistency helps children feel safe.
Try to protect:
- school routines
- bedtime routines
- meal times
- activities and friendships
- important family traditions
- emotional availability
Routine creates emotional security.
Planning Parenting Time
Cafcass advises that parenting arrangements should take account of the individual child rather than following a single formula.
Relevant considerations can include:
- the child's age
- their wishes and activities
- specific needs
- parents' work commitments
- accommodation
- distance between homes
Reassure Without Oversharing
Children need honesty—but not adult burdens.
Tell them:
“This is not your fault.”
“We both love you.”
“You are safe.”
“We will work this out.”
They do not need details of adult conflict.
They need reassurance.
Be careful not to make promises that cannot be guaranteed.
For example, where future living or contact arrangements are genuinely uncertain, reassurance such as “The adults are working out what happens next and we will keep you informed” may sometimes be more appropriate than promising a particular outcome.
Support Safe Relationships With Both Parents
Where safe and appropriate, children benefit from loving relationships with both parents.
Children should not feel guilty for loving both parents.
Safety Comes Before Contact
Supporting relationships with both parents does not mean that every form of contact is appropriate in every case.
Domestic abuse, child abuse, neglect, coercive control, unsafe caregiving and other safeguarding concerns must be properly considered.
In Family Court proceedings in England and Wales, decisions about children are governed by the child's welfare.
Children Act 1989 — The Child's Welfare
Section 1 of the Children Act 1989 provides that when the court is determining a question about a child's upbringing, the child's welfare is its paramount consideration.
The court may consider factors including the child's wishes and feelings, needs, circumstances and any harm suffered or risk of harm.
Children Act 1989 – Section 1Watch for Emotional Signs
Children may show stress through:
- anger
- withdrawal
- sleep problems
- anxiety
- clinginess
- school difficulties
- behaviour changes
- emotional shutdown
Sometimes behaviour is communication.
Listen carefully.
Look for Changes, Not Just Words
Some children may find it difficult to explain what they are experiencing.
Changes in behaviour do not automatically prove that a particular event or person is responsible, but significant or persistent changes should not simply be ignored.
Consider the whole picture and, where necessary, seek support from the child's school, GP or appropriate professional.
CAFCASS Guidance
CAFCASS supports the principle that children need stability, reduced conflict, and child-focused parenting after separation.
Their guidance encourages parents to:
- focus on the child’s needs
- work together where possible
- avoid exposing children to conflict
- build parenting arrangements around stability and safety
Helpful support:
CAFCASS Parenting Together
Current Cafcass Support: Planning Together for Children
Cafcass currently operates Planning Together for Children on behalf of the Ministry of Justice.
It is designed to help separated parents focus on children's needs, improve co-operative parenting and reduce harmful parental conflict.
A Family Court Adviser assesses whether the service is suitable before making a referral.
Cafcass – Planning Together for ChildrenUse an “Our Child's Plan”
Cafcass provides a free online resource called Our Child's Plan, previously known as a Parenting Plan.
Where it is safe and appropriate, parents can use it to think about:
- communication
- parenting time
- school
- health
- routines
- activities
- holidays
- future changes
A written plan can help reduce uncertainty and make everyday arrangements clearer for children.
Create an Our Child's PlanSchool and Trusted Adult Support
Children often cope better when they have trusted adults around them.
This may include:
- teachers
- grandparents
- family friends
- youth workers
- counsellors
- mentors
- safe extended family
Sometimes one trusted adult changes everything.
Children need safe places to speak.
Let School Know When Appropriate
If separation is significantly affecting a child, consider informing an appropriate member of school staff.
This might include:
- the child's teacher
- form tutor
- pastoral team
- school counsellor
- special educational needs team
- designated safeguarding lead where safeguarding is involved
School staff may notice changes in attendance, concentration, behaviour, friendships or emotional wellbeing which are less obvious at home.
Listen to the Child Without Making Them Decide
Children should be allowed to express how they feel.
Listening to a child does not mean telling them that they must choose which parent to live with or which parent is right.
Helpful questions can include:
- “How are you feeling about everything?”
- “Is there anything you are worried about?”
- “What makes things easier for you?”
- “Is there anything you want us adults to understand?”
Avoid repeatedly questioning children about what happened at the other parent's home or asking leading questions designed to obtain a particular answer.
Where there is a genuine safeguarding concern, record what the child says accurately and seek appropriate professional advice rather than repeatedly interviewing them yourself.
When Extra Help Is Needed
If a child is showing signs of serious distress, support may be needed through:
- school safeguarding teams
- GP support
- counselling services
- CAMHS referrals
- family support services
- safeguarding professionals
If abuse or immediate risk exists:
Call 999
Protection always comes first.
NHS Children and Young People's Mental Health Services
NHS children and young people's mental-health services provide support for a wide range of emotional and mental-health needs.
These services may sometimes be referred to as CAMHS.
Routes into support vary by area.
The NHS advises that children, young people, parents and carers may be able to seek help through people such as:
- a GP
- a teacher
- a school nurse
- a youth worker
- a social worker
- a paediatrician
Safeguarding Must Come Before Co-Parenting
Advice about reducing conflict and co-parenting applies where it is safe and appropriate.
It should never be used to minimise:
- domestic abuse
- coercive or controlling behaviour
- child abuse
- neglect
- sexual abuse
- violence
- stalking
- serious intimidation
- unsafe caregiving
- other safeguarding concerns
If you are worried that a child is being abused, neglected or is at risk, contact children's social care at the child's local council.
GOV.UK states that you do not need to be certain that abuse has occurred before reporting a genuine suspicion.
If the child is in immediate danger, call 999.
Working Together to Safeguard Children 2026
The statutory safeguarding guidance for England was updated in March 2026.
Working Together to Safeguard Children sets out how organisations including:
- local authorities
- health services
- police
- education providers
- social workers
- other safeguarding agencies
should work together to help, support, protect and promote the welfare of children.
The 2026 guidance strengthens material concerning issues including domestic abuse, coercive control, multiple harms and child protection.
Working Together to Safeguard Children 2026Domestic Abuse and Children
Domestic abuse is not simply “parents not getting along”.
It can include:
- physical or sexual abuse
- violent or threatening behaviour
- controlling or coercive behaviour
- economic abuse
- psychological or emotional abuse
Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, a child can also be recognised as a victim of domestic abuse in their own right where the statutory conditions are met, including where they see, hear or experience the effects of abuse involving someone they are related to.
If Parents Cannot Agree
Sometimes parents are unable to agree arrangements for their child.
Depending on the circumstances, possible routes may include:
- safe direct discussion
- family mediation
- solicitor negotiation
- other non-court dispute resolution
- a Family Court application where necessary
Family Court Should Remain Child-Focused
Cafcass explains that private-law proceedings can include:
- Child Arrangements Orders
- Specific Issue Orders
- Prohibited Steps Orders
Cafcass Family Court Advisers work with families and provide the court with information and advice concerning children's welfare and best interests.
Cafcass – Private Family Law ProceedingsChanges to a Child's Relationships Should Be Considered Carefully
Your original concern includes the sudden loss of contact with one parent.
For a child who has an established, safe and positive relationship with a parent, sudden disruption can be emotionally difficult and create uncertainty.
However, maintaining contact is not more important than safety.
There are situations where contact needs to be restricted, supervised, altered or temporarily stopped because of safeguarding concerns or a court decision.
The question should therefore not simply be:
The more important questions are:
- What does this individual child need?
- What are their wishes and feelings?
- Is the relationship safe?
- How can important relationships be maintained safely?
- What arrangement gives the child stability?
Practical Separation Checklist for Parents
- Tell the child clearly that the separation is not their fault.
- Reassure them that they are loved.
- Keep adult blame and accusations away from them.
- Do not use the child to pass messages.
- Do not ask the child to choose sides.
- Keep school and important professionals informed where necessary.
- Maintain routines as far as reasonably possible.
- Give the child age-appropriate information about what is changing.
- Tell them what is staying the same.
- Listen without pressuring them to give a particular answer.
- Protect safe relationships with important adults.
- Share important child information with the other parent where it is safe.
- Keep disputes about money, property and adult relationships away from the child.
- Watch for persistent emotional or behavioural changes.
- Speak to school, a GP or another professional if concerns develop.
- Take safeguarding concerns seriously.
- Call 999 where somebody is in immediate danger.
What Parents Should Never Forget
Children do not remember court paperwork.
They remember:
who made them feel safe
who protected them
who reduced fear
who gave them peace
who put them first
Official Guidance & Support
Cafcass – Supporting Children Through Separation
Guidance for parents and carers on supporting children through separation and divorce.
Open Cafcass GuidanceCafcass – Separated Parent Resources
Open Cafcass ResourcesGOV.UK – Reducing Parental Conflict
Open Government ResourcesNHS – Children and Young People's Mental Health
NHS Mental Health SupportGOV.UK – Child Arrangements
Looking After Children After Divorce or SeparationGOV.UK – Family Mediation
Family Mediation GuidanceNSPCC – Support for Parents
NSPCC Parenting SupportFinal Message
The goal is not to win against the other parent.
The goal is to protect the child.
Children do not need perfect parents.
They need safe parents.
Calm parents.
Present parents.
Protective parents.
Because when children feel safe, families have the best chance to heal.
And when children come first, everything else becomes clearer.
Children First. Always.
Stability. Safety. Emotional Security.